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“Hello, friends. Prepare yourselves to view a great movie.”

So begins “the exciting story of Iris Medina,” a stocky, beady eyed plain Jane Cubano type who supposedly is making her first adult film.  Despite a few quick isolated shots of her and a grip, however, she appears to spend all of her screentime sitting around on a couch playing with herself…

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Narrated mushmouthedly in her trademark hesitant, sing-songy English as a fourth language manner by a bloated Nina Fause, we open on an uncomfortable office scene wherein Fause talks about Medina as if she isn’t there (despite the fact that she’s about two feet away, staring the woman down annoyedly).

“Irene is a perfect example…of…a liberated female.   She will think nothing of going to bed with you.  With no strings attached.  If she likes you.”

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The action begins with Medina dressed up like a roll of lifesavers (if not Lookee from She-Ra) and a hideous past the knee secular nun skirt heads out to her olive green and mustard Econoline (tricked out 70’s style with full on living room curtains!) to her new job “wor-king at a motion picture company.  This company makes what you like to see, X-rated movies.”

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This provides the framework for a series of quick clips taken from other Tobalina efforts such as Her Last Fling, The Ultimate Pleasure and so forth. Not only does this save cash by recycling, but allows Tobalina to top bill John Holmes, when he never actually appears in the (new footage of the) picture!

“I feel ex-cited and nervous. And my (partially shouted) PU-ssy’s getting wet. And…all I’m doing is driving this van.”

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Sharon Thorpe, “Carol, the Orien-tal girl” Tong, Desiree West, Don Fernando, Joey Silvera, Mai Lin, John Holmes, Paul Thomas, Annette Haven and several films’ worth of unknowns parade briefly before the viewer’s eyes, intercut with Medina’s cowlike tongue rolling around her lips repulsively as she plays with herself fully clothed while Fause intones:

“I feel like going to the bath-room and JER-King off. But I’d better not. I’d better stay here.”

And this is only the first few minutes of the film! As the voiceovers get progressively filthier, Fause gets increasingly bizarre with her inflections, emphases and hesitations, making this quite likely THE most unintentionally hilarious of Tobalina’s efforts.  And that’s REALLY saying something when you take a look back at prior reviews of his work (particularly the many affairs featuring the speech impaired Nina Fause)!

At least it’s an excuse to see more Carol Tong, however briefly…

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At the end, through use of some cutting room floor footage from Her Last Fling, Medina herself joins the recycled orgy footage (that’s right, I did see a pudgy short haired girl with Paul Thomas once or twice…), and surprise! Holmes actually shows up for a quick closing scene in a hotel room one on one with Medina. End.

Well, if you’ve got to reuse footage, at least the guy threw in a lot of “name” performers to gawk at…

“Usually an X-rated movies (sic) do not require heavy acting. But you will be…sur-pri-I-sed at how capable the actors and actresses arrre in THIS group. I’m sure they could hold their own…with the HIGH-est ranked professionals in the world.”

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Next up is Champagne Orgy, which features a stoned but stylishly dressed Bonnie Holiday, a young Mike Horner and Tobalina himself. There’s a rare large busted but still shapely type in the opening lesbo three way who’s nice to look at (if seen all too briefly) and a relentless disco soundtrack that deserves its own CD release…that’s pretty much all this one has to recommend it.

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Tobalina, who looks much sillier without a beard, forgets even the most basic of lines in his shiny race car driver windbreaker and impossibly wide collared polyester leisure suit, offering a wannabe waitress $5 an hour to do hardcore. One wonders how close to reality this scene actually was! And check him out in those sixth grade girl’s pink mirrored sunglasses…

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Funniest of all is some Vivian Campbell lookalike who identifies himself as “Joe Elliott” (the Def Leppard guy?!?), all poofy John Cooper Clarke curly haired bouffant on a huge headed stick figure body. Nothing says sex like the Bard of Salford!

If you can forget the fact that he’s essentially brokering all these folks for profit, Tobalina comes off like a goofy if likeable uncle sort, all bad jokes and smarmy yet seemingly good humored smiles throughout. Once the titular action gets going, so does he, and we’re left with Holiday and a cast of goofy looking strangers getting busy. At least the music’s decent…

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This double feature is pretty much bottom feeding, even for Tobalina.  Utilizing the slightest of framing stories in each case, you get one film that’s almost entirely cutting room floor footage and reused bits from earlier productions and another whose entire “plot” is Tobalina and his punk rock poet pal making “jokes” and staging “skits” that fall flat, with the world’s dullest orgy of nobodies taking up the middle.

Even so, there’s a selection of pretty girls and names that flash by in the former feature and the unintentional comedy of Fause and Tobalina getting more than their fair share of line readings if not screentime to enliven both for those looking for more of a laugh than a prurient fix.

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