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And in this month of contentious political conventions, Vinegar Syndrome brings you this offering from no less than Thomas Paine.

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No, not the author of The Age of Reason that so influenced Jefferson, Franklin, Adams and the Constitutional Congress, but the first effort of some pseudonymous porn director.

Hell, in the age of Donald Trump, might as well be the same thing, right?

While a 10m extra with a decidedly conciliatory and positive-toned Eric Edwards would assure you this is one of the more acting-heavy entries in the annals of adult cinema, it certainly doesn’t feel like it, at least for the first half hour.  Then it goes kinda overboard, actually…

Teased hair temp receptionist/secretary Tish Ambrose offers sexual favors to this month’s top seller Robert Bullock while sporting some sales charts on her back, tic tac toe style.

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Mardi Gras-masked Rachel Ashley and Amber Lynn go down on a tired looking Harry Reems, who has a heart attack right after getting off (they save him). Grouchy boss Robert “R. bolla” Kernan gives up on banging Lita Ford wannabe Sheri St. Claire, demanding Ambrose finish the job on her.

Kernan dumps St. Claire on roughie muscle Herschel Savage, and the other girls have a catty exchange over office secrets.  Amber balls chauffeur Francois Papillon in the back of his limo. It’s all pretty rapid fire – all that only covers the first 20m.

St. Claire gets used and abused by Savage and comforted by Ambrose, who pines for pen pal boyfriend Eric Edwards…who’s too scarred by his Vietnam experiences to actually resume a relationship with her.

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But wait, now it gets a bit weird…Kernan’s not actually a businessman in the traditional sense, he’s a blackmailing whorehouse-running pimp who uses his girls to extort money from prominent movers and shakers, and Ambrose is looking for an out.

Paul Thomas and Jamie Gillis turn up as the aforementioned politicians and suchlike, with Gillis acting like a whiny baby and demanding pampering (they even make him a fucking diaper at one point and applaud when he uses the bathroom…yeesh!) and Thomas brandishing Doc Johnson approved “weapons” like a gunslinger and performing some acrobatic maneuvers.  At least he done hisself proud…

When Edwards travels to L.A. to meet his ladyfriend, things turn really ugly: Savage catches Edwards and Ambrose together, leading the possessive Kernan to set up a scene where Edwards catches his girl going down on the boss. He throws a fit, they have a row at his apartment, they screw and make up, he spirits her off to his cabin and proposes to her.

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Kernan sends Savage in, they kidnap her and threaten Edwards off. He becomes a drunk, she goes back to whoring. Finally, his ex-Nam buddy gets Edwards motivated to pull a faux-military snatch operation which goes south until the much-abused St. Clare “saves the day”. Everyone gets married at the cabin (even St. Clare and Edwards’ pal).

Hooray?

All told, this was one of the least enjoyable adult features I’ve sat through – at times it actually felt like a bit of a chore. Sure, there are some nice locations. And hey, Edwards, Kernan and Ambrose do actually act, so if you’re looking for nigh-thespianism in your hardcore, this may be more to your tastes.

But with a nigh-exclusive cast of blondes and a weird, depressing script that tries to approximate Skinemax-style “erotic thriller” but actually leans more towards turgid melodrama, Corporate Assets is a real downer of an adult film, with precious little prurient value and even less likeability to its name.

 

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