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Damn, it’s been far too long since Vinegar Syndrome’s dropped a pair of Carlos Tobalina films on an unsuspecting public.

No, seriously…I missed the guy.  He’s one of a kind, even in the bottom feeder world he made his castle.  You just don’t get this level of Ed Woodian belief that you’re a competent director, crafting a viable masterwork…when the result is quite this loveably inept and amusing. And he does this every time.

Used to have some good laughs, both on and off air, about the man and his oeuvre when Weird Scenes was still an active concern…so yeah, I’m not really joking when I say I missed ol’ Carlos.  Tongue planted firmly in cheek as ever, sure.  But hand on the bible here.

Third Eye regulars should already know that Carlos is not a man to waste any time, jumping right in to the action with no real buildup or prelude…and one of his very last productions, Boiling Desires, is no exception to the rule.

Kicking off with a hilariously “heat wave”-quavering title card and a seriously funky jazz fusionish breakdown (check out that busy walking bassline, funk guitar and ring modulated organ!), this 1987 opus features cute if short-careered bottle blonde Candy Evans and hard bitten ubiquitous bubblehead and stereotypical dumb blonde Bunny Bleu as a pair of roomies who get a bit too close.  I mean, practically the first line of the picture is “can I join you (in the shower)?”  Yeesh.

After a bit of dialogue that describes well known events that went down during my own school days (if perhaps a bit earlier than suggested, actually) but which would raise some serious eyebrows in these far more puritanical times, Dumb Bunny regales Evans with a tale of her dalliance with messy ‘fro-ed Ron Jeremy (which she prefaces by saying “I was so inexperienced…” before cutting to a shot of her walking down an abandoned street in front of what looks like a military compound dressed like a hooker).

Keeping with the theme, it’s yet another “trade for grades” situation (yes, kids, this happened on campuses back in the day, and everybody knew about it when it went down…most folks were jealous or bemused, not “scandalized”…) taking place to the accompaniment of a down home take on Pachelbel’s Canon (complete with a sub-John Popper harmonica solo) and a quick succession of canned 60’s schmaltz library track snippets.  The music’s so weird and switches up so rapid fire, it’s actually hilariously distracting…

Then it’s off to Evans’ big date with another unavoidable icon of the era, the now more infamous than well remembered Marc Wallice.  You can tell it’s a first date when it opens on this choice bit of dialogue:

“I’ve got to tell you, it’s really going to be a lot of fun learning about sex with you.”

“Oh, I’m just learning too.”

“You are?  Learning?  Great.”

Then he has the balls to ask her if she has anything transmittable!

Foreshadowing indeed…and yes, the dialogue gets worse.  Does referencing The Mentors give you an idea?  Hilarity ensues, I tell ya…

Of course, the Easter Bunny isn’t doing much better, with perennial doofy teenager Tom Byron and this awkward pick up line:

“You know, you resemble someone I was dreaming about.  A movie star.”

“Oh, really? What’s her name?”

“Oh, never mind. If she was alive today, she’d be old enough to be your grandmother…you wanna go to a hotel room and fuck?”

“Oh, Doug, you have such a way with words!”

After date night, we get treated to a Doris Wishmanesque pool conversation, completely overdubbed in ADR.  Given Carlos’ well known facility with the English language and dialogue writing, you have to wonder if the girls’ original chat would have made for better line readings…

Then despite being dressed up rather nicely (Evans’ one piece is particularly stunning, hugging and hanging loose in all the right places, respectively), our heroin(es) diddle each other with an enormous “personal massager” (the hilarious old kind with the giant rotary head) while waiting for their dates to arrive…and promptly switching up partners when they finally do.  Much undercranked undressing and hippie ho-down music ensues…

Then cut immediately to date 3, once again at the same hotel…er, “house”. This time they switch back to the original partners and the undercranked action takes place to an early 20’s barbershop quartet and muted trumpet rendition of “hold that tiger”(!)

The guys emerge too pooped to pop, so the roomies go at it again, but thankfully Evans decides to provide extra service to the guys, so it’s less of a snoozefest than usual for the unigender rug munching bits. Then the guys talk their way into moving in. Roll credits.

Next up comes a film from a few years prior, namely Love Champions (Carlos Tobalina, master of the bizarrely juxtaposed yet oddly generic movie title). Those who know the man’s work or have been following the last few years of Third Eye reviews of same will be unsurprised to see this one kicking off with an unrelated orgy sequence…or Carlos himself coming on camera as a white coated doctor cum sex therapist with an extremely poor command of the English language.

The Doc (and Southern-fried assistant ColleenSharon KellyBrennan) proceed to introduce court-mandated prospective divorcees (seriously – the judge won’t grant a separation without the couple trying sex therapy first!) Brooke Fields and doofy trucker type Greg Derek to a better-looking than usual (but still rather hard bitten) Danielle and Tom Byron, and makes them all suffer through that bane of any job interview:

“Right now, I’d like to show all of you a very informative videotape.”

Meanwhile, Dr. Carlos is teaching a trio of girls kegel exercises (including Crystal Breeze and cute blonde Lili Marlene) and Brennan wants the unhappy couples to knock boots in front of her.  As Byron says, “look, I don’t need an audience, OK. What’s the point?”

Mysteriously, truck stop waitress type D.J. Cone (hey, at least she’s a real redhead) joins as Brennan’s replacement/partner in “supervision”, leading stoned brain trust Fields to offer this priceless line delivery, with much hesitation and shoulder shrugging throughout:

Well. I mean I love to have…mm…y’know, I love to be eaten.  And the better technique.  The better it’s gotta be, right?” (huff of stifled laughter)

“Liza, you need to communicate.”‘

Indeed.

Meanwhile, Brennan, in her best Amway saleswoman delivery, offers the priceless therapeutic relationship advice that follows, time tested and certainly accredited by the APA (may even make it into the latest iteration of the DSM…):

“What if your wife reeeeally was sexually attracted to one of your friends. And you brought him home.  To her.  You know, I think she’d find that really caring about you.  Loving you.  For giving her basically a generous gift.  Or the other way around.”

Cone and Brennan join the couples in flagrante delicto, and unsurprisingly, Derek quickly ditches dumbo Fields for Cone.  Everyone else gets bored and goes for a four way while the impromptu couple continues to go at it…hey, she may be a bit low rent, but considering the others involved?  Proves Derek has a bit of taste…

The original couples switch partners and Tobalina goes nuts overdubbing Forbidden Planet noises when the guys finish their business (seriously…it’s completely absurd), then everyone (including Marlene and Breeze, plus Marc Wallice and Francois Paipllon – don’t ask me where they came from) gets together for that business from the opening credits.  See?  He’s not totally inept…it all ties together in the end…(cough)

More Forbidden Planet noises, a bit of slo-mo, a cheap joke cameo from Carlos, bam, we’re outta here.

Did I mention it was nice to see more Tobalina?  Yeah.  Plenty of laughs, fairly well filmed prurience, bad dialogue and worse line deliveries, reasonable aesthetics and snippets of location footage…and all packaged up in one of Vinegar Syndrome’s patented better than they looked on release day remastered transfers.

Yeah, we’re getting thinner on the ground when it comes to the man’s works…a fair portion have already hit shelves by now.  But there’s simply never enough of this guy and his antics for my bemusement.

More, please.

 

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